Thinking further, I want to also talk about how students might manage the pressure of expectations-- both that they put on themselves, and that others put on them. Pressure can be a useful tool, but not if it's destructive. I could visit the Mariana Trench, but I wouldn't want to live there!
Internal Expectations
Far too often, learners get caught up in notions of what "should" be, and take it as a personal failure when their reality doesn't align with what they imagine for themselves. The truth is often more complex, and takes some investigation into why things aren't going as you might have hoped.
- Have you set good goals, with a plan to achieve them?
I think by now the notion of a SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-based) goal has permeated the business world, but it's worth repeating here: "I should be winning more by now" is a harmful expectation to set, and "I want to win 50% of my bouts" isn't a good goal. You do not have full control over whether you win or lose. Show up to the right tournament and even top level fencers cannot, mathematically, expect to ALL win 50% of their bouts. Imagine a 10-person tournament where the 6 best fencers in your kingdom show up. In such a case, one of the most successful fencers around is going home with a 4-5 record.
Instead, set goals that you can control. I tell my students to redefine their fencing experience into two categories: victorious and successful. Victorious just means that you won the bout, and successful means that you accomplished your technical and strategic goals.
You get a say in whether or not you are victorious, but so does your opponent. You have the only voice in whether or not you fence well.
Obviously, the best outcome is to be both victorious and successful, but success is more important than victory early on. If you win in ugly fashion, you're not enhancing your skills. At practice, success is all that matters-- victory will happen as a byproduct of successful fencing. In a tournament, it's fair to place a higher priority on victory over success, but remember that tournaments are formative assessments, not summative. If you lose a tournament bout, that's a study guide for your next practice. There will be another tournament next week. Learn the lesson.
- Are you comparing yourself to someone else, or to your own potential?
Comparing yourself to someone who has differing attributes is almost always a path to sorrow. Some of us are stronger, faster, smarter, taller, younger, have more free time, heal faster, and so on. That's life. Looking at someone else and thinking that you should be progressing as they are is dangerous when it becomes a spur to self-pity or resentment. If the comparison is aspirational and inspiring, then go for it-- sometimes we only realize what we are capable of when we see it in someone else first. A 4 minute mile time was thought to be impossible until someone did it! But, if you're comparing your progress to the person next to you and feeling bad because of it, try to remember that they might have background experiences that help them. It takes everyone about the same amount of effort and time to learn how to move well, but some of us start earlier. You will get there in your own time.
Since you have the potential to be a highly skilled expert (I will not negotiate on this point; fight me!), you have to look at yourself relative to only your past self: is today better than yesterday? If it is, then you will continue on until you reach whatever level of skill is comfortable for you. I'm still not comfortable, so I keep learning and training. Your mileage may vary, but you can achieve that level. There's no need to short yourself.
External Expectations
I am fairly certain that most of the external pressure that people feel is actually internally generated from the belief that others view you through the same lens of "should." In my experience, this is often not the case. Most of the time, what's really going on is some form of misalignment, not disappointment or failure.
- Do your goals for you match their goals for you?
Let's say I want all of my students to become Masters of Defense that one day surpass me in skills and knowledge to such a degree that I fade into the background. If that's not what they want, then they won't live up to that expectation and we're going to have problems. This is why it is important to know what you want for yourself and be able to articulate it to the people who matter to you, even if the answer to that is "I'm not sure right now." A good teacher will help you set high expectations, but also let you aim at the outcome (and have input on the journey) you will find most satisfying.
- Is their pressure an act of love?
This can be a tough one, but sometimes the pressure people put on us is because they love us. They want us to do well, to win, to show up, to fight all day, and so on, even if we're not ready to do that, need a break, or even just have something else on our mind. While it can be frustrating to address why you aren't fencing today 15 times in the parking lot, try to remember that those are 15 people who all want to fence you and believe their event experience would be better for it. That is love.
- Are you at odds with the culture?
Sometimes, it is you. Sometimes external pressure is a good, necessary thing that offers corrective opportunity. If you go to practice and insist on naïve practice, you might feel pressured to shift to a more productive model because you are disrupting everyone else's progress.
Sometimes the culture is the problem, and you will be pushed to worsen yourself to align with it. If you go to a naïve practice and work to be productive, you may find yourself experiencing pressure to set a lower standard for yourself.
In each of these cases, you have to make changes or the culture has to change. Make sure that whatever change happens is an improvement.
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